I’ve Been Called Worse!
Over the last months, out of pure instinct, I have quietly retreated from a whole bunch of friendships. And while I had a vague inkling, I didn’t totally understand why. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I asked myself what was motivating my desire for separation. Am I being overly-sensitive? Am I being too hard on people? What are my expectations, and are they too high? Am I making up a problem that doesn’t exist? Am I pushing people away for no reason? Why do I feel so disappointed and let down? Why do these friends feel almost dangerous to me? And why do I feel so angry at and resentful of friends who have done me no obvious wrong?
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The persecution of the Jewish people via conquests, crusades, pogroms, expulsions, and mass genocide has been going on in one form or another for over 3,500 years. A meager 0.2% of the world population, Jews are one of the most oppressed minorities in human civilization. And while antisemitism mutates and shapeshifts in terms of how it’s justified and expressed, it’s nothing new. Antisemitism is literally known as “the oldest hatred.”
Antisemitism is also called a “light sleeper” because it never really goes away. It goes dormant for periods of time, but then it resurfaces in new and different forms. (Basically it turns Jews into the symbol of whatever a given society considers morally deplorable.) It gains momentum as calculated campaigns of demonization and dehumanization (stereotypes, tropes, conspiracy theories and other propaganda) get perpetuated over time. Such campaigns are meant to numb and desensitize people. It’s a compounding process that happens gradually, and then all at once, so by the time you are actively participating in violence against Jews, or turning a blind eye to it, they are already in irrevocable danger.
“The Holocaust was a series of events that happened over a long period of time. Jews were dehumanized, deprived of many legal rights, became the victims of both random and organized violence, and were socially if not physically isolated from the rest of the population. Many people became “bystanders” to this ever-radicalizing program long before the mass roundups and killings began.” –Holocaust Encyclopedia
As I said, over the last months I have pushed people away and withdrawn from a multitude of (specifically non-Jewish) friendships… but it’s only now that I understand why… it’s because of the bystander phenomenon.
When friends voice support for, express moral outrage about, and advocate for the rights of every other marginalized and oppressed community, but remain silent when Jews are being targeted, I feel alarmed. When people refuse to see or own the double standard and blatant hypocrisy happening in regards to Jews and the only Jewish state in the world, my vigilance comes online. When I speak the word ‘antisemitism’ into a space and it falls through the air and evaporates without a single person registering or acknowledging it, I feel unsafe. And when my BFF tells me that she loves me forever, and that she’ll always protect me, but then says she’s a pacifist and the best thing she can do is pray and meditate, I don’t know how to reconcile the gaping cognitive dissonance in my psyche (and I’m a praying woman!)
“I feel that I may be fairly well-liked as an individual person but that this is typically in spite of my Jewishness, not inclusive of it.” -Danica Bornstein
Passive bystanders scare me because, as stated above, indifference and inaction are permissive, and they enable campaigns of hate. Silence is not benign. It is deadly. Elie Wiesel said that “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” He also said that “Action is the only remedy to indifference.” And Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people.”
Now I’m not saying that I am right and my friends are wrong. It’s not my intention to alienate or accuse anyone. I’m only saying that this is how it has been living inside me for the last few months. I am saying that when my friends don’t take an active and overt stance against antisemitism, (or worse, assert with passionate authority - but with no factual basis - what is not antisemitic,) a part of me disappears. It feels as though some essential ingredient is missing from our friendship - that our relationship has no real ground. For Jews, antisemitism is an existential threat. So in my mind it’s like… “How can you love me but not care about my existence?”
Then I think… Maybe I should give them the benefit of the doubt? Maybe they don’t know? Maybe I should tell them that Jewish people and organizations are experiencing bullying, harassment, violence and vandalism in unprecedented numbers. Maybe I should tell them about the podcast I just listened to that said 80% of Jews surveyed had taken measures to hide their identities - not because they were ashamed to be Jewish, but because they felt physically unsafe. Maybe, when they excuse the rise in antisemitism by calling it a backlash of the Hamas/Israel war (as if that makes it okay,) I should tell them that the rise in antisemitism was underway long before October 7th 2023? Maybe I should tell them that in August 2021, when the FBI released its hate crime stats for 2020, they said that of all religiously based hate crimes, 57.5% targeted Jews… or that the number of antisemitic attacks in 2022 was double the number it was in 2017 and triple the number it was in 2016, and that the rate of increase has been exponential for some time. Maybe I should tell them that books like “It Could Happen Here” and “Woke Antisemitism” were published before October 2023?
“This is the most dangerous moment for Jews since the holocaust.” -Dr. Robert J. Williams
Admittedly, before October 7th it was easy to be ignorant of the rising tide of antisemitism in America (I know I was!) but now it’s in plain view, and none of my friends actually deny seeing it everywhere. I don’t think there is any malicious intent from my friends, but throughout history the trend of silence (quiet complicity) cost Jews their lives.
“Bystanders” as used to refer to German and European populations close to the actual events are often defined by what they were not. They were not the “perpetrators” or the “victims.” Nor were they among the tiny minority of “rescuers” of the “victims.” “Bystanders” as a group have often been characterized as “passive” or “indifferent.” They included those, for example, who did not speak out when they witnessed the persecution of individuals targeted simply because they were Jewish, or during the phase of mass murder, did not offer shelter to Jews seeking hiding places. The two words “passive” and “indifferent” themselves have distinct connotations. “Passive” implies “inaction.” Passivity could derive from a range of quite different feelings: from a sense of powerlessness, fear for one's physical safety, social pressures within one's group or community, or tolerance or support for the perpetrators' actions. “Indifferent” is defined as “having a lack of interest in or concern about something: apathetic.” The “indifference” of “bystanders” to the plight of Jews is often attributed to people's daily preoccupations, from surmounting the hardships of the economic depression of the 1930s to focusing on the survival of their families in the face of wartime deprivations and suffering.” –Holocaust Encyclopedia
(Nowadays you might sub “social pressures within one’s group or community” as fear of being canceled, and “surmounting the hardships of the economic depression” as mounting student loan debt. I’m sure you get the drift and can make your own correlations.)
So yes, to me, inaction and silence about antisemitism feel like complicity. And bystanders feel terribly dangerous. So it’s hard for me to know how to relate with friends who stay silent and stand by while antisemitism gains more and more momentum.
Speaking up about this issue ongoingly, and in a variety of contexts, I have been called all kinds of fun things, including “possessed by an entity,” and “just a really fearful person.” I have been met with so much gaslighting and spiritual bypassing and subconscious bias and unconscious hate, not to mention apathy and dismissal. I have really triggered some people. Clearly I am hitting a nerve! I know that I’m not going to win any popularity contests for speaking up, but I’m not going to be quiet about this just because it makes some people uncomfortable. (One thing I haven’t been called (at least not to my face) is “a whiny Jew,” but others who have spoken up have not been so lucky. More about that in Dara Horn’s salient article in The Atlantic.)
I’m trying to give my friends the benefit of the doubt. Yes, many of them have said wildly insensitive things to me over the last few months. And yes, I (and various other Jewish friends I’ve asked) have heard very few expressions of curiosity (tell me more/what do you mean/help me understand) offers of allyship (what can I do/how can I combat antisemitism) comfort (this sounds so scary and destabilizing/I can see this is really impacting you) concern (how is your family/are they safe/are you safe.) But they’re not malicious, and they haven’t said anything overtly hateful to me about Jews or been physically violent towards to me. So I am trying to recalibrate my heart. But I’m also hoping they will do better… Because throughout history seemingly good people stood by and let Jews (who were oftentimes their friends and neighbors) be exiled and annihilated by not speaking up or intervening in a meaningful way.
Gene Keys author Richard Rudd talks about how the antidote to indifference is difference, as in “to be different.” So please be different from the majority of people who are watching it all play out from the sidelines. Please learn about the harrowing history of the Jews, and the mechanics of antisemitism, and please take action.
